Long Time No See!

Hey there, readers!

I have been busy living this month. I have been working a lot and making a routine for myself.
I am happy.

The place I am working at is allowing us to dress up for halloween. I was thinking I would go in a baggy skirt and oversize t-shirt, but there are some hippies and people who shop there who dress that way by religion, so I figured it would be insensitive.

I then decided to dress in my square-dancing outfit (not really a costume, but still) but they said I looked more like a gypsy. I loved the idea, so I am painting my fingernails a bright red, I went out and bought some big gold bangles and gold necklaces, and I already have this long black skirt with bells on the waist ties!
It will be the first time I ever dress up, so I am excited and am having heaps of fun.

One of the most interesting posts about halloween and what its significance as a holiday means.

I am doing what many people do with Halloween: Put on a monster mask, confront what you fear, celebrate it for a day and then, move on.

Timing

I guess this post will be a little rant to myself about timing.

I really really like to make my own schedules and design my life and make sure all my ducks are in neat rows. The thing is that God often does not agree with me. I mean seriously, if only He knew what I was thinking, the good intentions I had, and the goals I was working towards!

However, as I am learning to rest in His timing and His planning, I am learning that He is all-sufficient. He really has my best at heart. He will provide, and when He blesses.... I fall to my knees in amazement. My heart is safe with Him!

Thanks, again, Heavenly Father, for everything. I know you are working things out for me.
Silly little me, who you care so much about.
Your grace and love are overwhelming and I know Your promises will hold.
Every step of my journey is lit by Your plans for me.
Your guiding has not always been easy to see, but I follow with joy.

6 years

This time of the year is always really, really hard for me.
Last year, I really got it out in this post.


I got a lot of flack for it, by people who think I should "move on" or "get over it."
I have a bit of a news flash for you. When something serious changes in your life, especially as a young child, it takes a lot of time and effort to process and work through.
Basically, for me at 14, it was like a death.
You don't just "bounce" back (yes, that is a movie quote). You CAN'T pretend like it didn't seriously wound your heart or change who you are as a person.


At this point, this year, I think I can claim to be much better. I spent my anniversary driving around old familiar places. My grandmother does not like the word, but I have my own personal definition.
I found closure.
Yes, I was deeply wounded.
They have changed me, made me who I am today.
And, I have accepted myself for who I am.


The wounds have scarred over, for the most part, and I have found a reason to keep my heart alive still. I have finally reached the point of accepting that I live here. That I will be in the United States for the rest of my life, except for occasional itching-feet-vacations.

Yeah, for those who did not know I have hated being here for years.

I am also moving on as far as blaming. I blamed a lot of people for what happened, and mostly myself. I was young and I felt that I could have changed things if only I was better, or done more, or tried harder....or something.
But it had nothing to do with me. Like a pawn in a chess game, I was at the mercy of everything else and could not do much.
I have stopped blaming myself.

When something happens that deeply affects you, it is part of your history. Part of your unique story. Part of your fingerprint. Hiding these things is like hiding an elephant with pink toenails in a cherry tree. People can tell it is there, but they do not have an explanation. Especially, with the people who care about you, hiding things or pretending is a bad idea, and could damage or completely ruin your relationship.
I have begun to talk about what I have been through.
Talking is a healthy thing. Most people are not mind readers.

Lastly, I have been allowing the possibility of forgiveness. Yes, very bad decisions lead to years of pain, dysfunction, and stupid crap. It caused way too much chaos in the lives of hundreds of people. Yes, hundreds!! Every person affects other people, who in turn affect others. No one can repair the damage without humility and sincere honesty. I cannot repent of anything that I have not done. But I can free the other person from the place of anger, resentment, and fear in which I have imprisoned them. They have been pushed far enough away that they cannot cause me pain. I free them to work before God with all their serious problems.

I let go.
And now I wait with open hands.

New Favorite Song

So today we went out to a Christian Bookstore to find out if they stocked a book dear to my heart (they didn't. They only stock "Christian Publishers") and I found some reduced price CD's!!!!

Barlow Girl is not my normal taste, but this song is really interesting:

YES, this blog is dying

I have moved on in the real world as well as in the blogging world.


I have left home and am now making my way in the big, scary world outside of home.
I may get on here and post updates. It depends.

I am enjoying new opportunities and learning things that I never knew before. Learning what NOT to say and do (at least they forgive me when I said something really bad, but they won't tell me what I just said because they are laughing so hard)

The worst part about not knowing these things is that everyone assumes you do. Like being an MK all over again. You look like you "fit in" but inside you don't, and people are shocked when you don't. I have to repeat my story to people about once a day because they forget. I am an independent 20 year old, why wouldn't I know what x-type of drink was....

Live and learn, they say. I guess I have not lived yet, because I am woefully short on the knowledge....

An Example in Courage

No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the House. But different men often see the same subject in different lights; and, therefore, I hope that it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen, if, entertaining as I do opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, I shall speak forth my sentiments freely and without reserve.


This is no time for ceremony. The question before the House is one of awful moment to this country. For my own part I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or slavery; and in proportion to the magnitude of the subject ought to be the freedom of the debate. It is only in this way that we can hope to arrive at truth, and fulfill the great responsibility which we hold to God and our country. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of disloyalty towards the majesty of heaven, which I revere above all earthly kings.

Mr. President, it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation?

For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth -- to know the worst and to provide for it. I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided; and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years, to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the House?

Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with these warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation -- the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlemen assign any other possible motives for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies?

No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us; they can be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer on the subject? Nothing.

We have held the subject up in every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain. Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves longer.

Sir, we have done everything that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament.

Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne. In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope.

If we wish to be free -- if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending -- if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained, we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight! An appeal to arms and to the God of Hosts is all that is left us!

They tell us, sir, that we are weak -- unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance, by lying supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

Sir, we are not weak, if we make a proper use of the means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. Three millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us.

The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable -- and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come!

It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, "Peace! Peace!" -- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!

Patrick Henry - March 23, 1775


A Part 2 to a previous post.

Packing

Packing boxes is one of the things missionary's do best!!

We are packing up our belongings again.
It is amazing how many things you aquire in life that fill up space yet never produce or result in anything positive. I have thrown out a lot of things in the past week which my pack-rat self has stored and miser-like hoarded for years.
I also threw out those "projects" which I have the tendency to begin, yet never finish because the inspiration fades. You probably would not believe the things I once planned on doing.
One hard thing for me right now is throwing away books.
I love books, but like my projects, I gather them and fail to read them. I have books on cheese. Does that make any sense? It is an old, falling apart book which has little value except for the information it contains. I guess I once wanted to make cheese!

Packing is an exercise of the will, because it drastically cuts into your comfort zone. How easy is it to put everything you own into brown packages and not use it for another 6 months or forever? It reduces the value of the material things and puts you back to the basics.

...there fore with food and raiment....let us be content!

Random Funny of the Day

A word of counsel from the Bible for any single males looking for wives:

15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

Knee update:

This morning I went to York to get an X-ray of my knee. It has been giving me fits off and on since Thanksgiving, and it has been over a year since the accident.

The difference between and X-ray and a cat-scan is that an Xray takes a small area and looks at it, but a cat-scan is one's whole body.
The difference between an X-ray and an MRI is that the X-ray sees calcium, but an MRI can see ligaments and other internal organs.

All the X-rays looked fine, but for some reason the kneecap seems to ride slightly off center. Pulls, maneuvering, and muscle contortions did not hurt me, so the Doctor thought it might be something that Physical Therapy could handle. If three months of PT doesn't help me out, I will be going back for an MRI to see if anything is REALLY wrong with my knee.

I am going to the PT center nearby on Thursday.

WE shall see.

A Milestone

Tonight, I turn 15!

What I have been listening to lately:

Colossians 1

²¹ And you, who once were alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled ²² in the body of His flesh through death, to present you holy, and blameless, and above reproach in His sight—

Poem

11/25/2008



My choice, my consequence,
My destiny
Molded by the hands which created
And love me

My life, my heart to You
Alone belong
Every tremoring, numbered heartbeat
Of my life’s song

At night to You I cry
My heart’s desire
Must be You, and You alone, O Lord
Your consuming fire

Purify me, burn away
All my dross
Let my heart seek and look only for
The foot of Your cross.

*Note: Inspired….slowly, but definitely. The last four lines, for sure!

Always... in My Eyes

A bittersweet and tender song...

*Note: The title of the song is "Always a Child". The spanish person who named it named it wrong, but it was the best original rendition I could find on youtube..

Snowtires

You might have heard.....but this area of the country is getting a mite of snow...

Ok....a good deal of snow....


OOOOKKKKK!!
About 10 times more snow than normal!!

In fact, so much snow that schools and churches were cancelling all activities, PenDot trucks were working full-blast, and roads were closed!

Tuseday, we were caught in the beginnings of a 24hour blizzard about 20 miles from home. (In fact, it was only 17, but rounding up is smoother) The snow was scheduled to begin at 2, but it didn't start till about 3:30. By 4 pm roads were clogged and we were stuck on a two-lane road trying to get to the library. We got there (well, not ME, but I will get to that later!) 3 minutes after closing time, and just as they were locking up.
However, we did make the post office. Well, we made the post office at 4. But the line was so long I went in to take my brother's place. Then my little sister came in to tell me that the rest of them were going to try to get the 1 or so mile to the library before it closed at 5. This was at about 4:15, and as I was finally 2nd in line. In three minutes the business was done, and so we sat down on the side to wait for the return of mother, siblings and car. Then, I get a phone call.
"Come meet us" she says. "We are only about 50 feet down the road."
I can't help but groan. The conditions are nearing whiteout in the deepening darkness. And I am wearing stockings and flats...
I set out quickly....watching to not slip, and trying to traverse the snow drifts from the previous 3ft of snow and the 1 inch already on the sidewalks.
"Should we pull into Dairy Queen and let you catch up?" she asks
"No, get to the library before it closes!! We'll catch up!!"
"But I have a green light!"
She goes through the light, and we come to a place where the sidewalk disappears and 3 feet of snow stretch for 10 feet to the roadway packed with cars.
I hesitated too long...there was no catching up now!
Sister and I finally reach and sit down in Dairy Queen.
After about 15 minutes we get a call....the library was closed (see above)
After another 10 or so minutes we run across to the other side of the street and get in the car.

2 plus hours later we finally pull into our driveway.
We need better snow tires!!

One Year

I honestly can't remember what I was thinking of or doing. All I know is that I was NOT really concentrating on the slope or my speed.

Suddenly, the hill dropped away and I was falling....rolling.The rest....is history!

Since the accident, I have learned a lot of things, and it really opened up a whole new phase of life for me.
Some excerpts from my mental notepad on this occasion:

1) I have a lot of things to be thankful for. The rest of me works most of the time, and I have a pretty continual reminder to pray when it starts to hurt.

2) I am saved from being addicted to movies. I know this sounds funny, bu whenever I see actors and actresses gallivanting around the screen and jumping, rappelling, running, climbing...I wait to see if they will land wrong and break their ACL. I cannot get rid of the premonition. Once burned, forever shy, I guess.

3) People are forgetful and sinful. (Maybe a better title would be "Forgiveness") I have lost track of the amount of times that people have forgotten about it (it isn't very obvious like a missing limb would be...) and have asked me to do things, or expected me to respond or come swiftly and I do not (cannot!) deliver. What is worse is that even after I remind them about my knee they rarely show remorse for being forgetful and unreasonable. (They are more annoyed than ever, what really gets to me is many people say I'm just "trying to get out of work".)

4) Constant reminder of my own frailty and mortality. Yes, constant. Even when it does not specifically pain me, it reminds me of it's condition. I am decaying. Some day I will be able to run and not grow weary.

5) On the topic of running, I actually tried it a couple days ago. (Well, I guess it depends on your definition.) My little hop-trot for the first time in a year felt like running! I really didn't miss it...

6) God always presents new challenges when you grow stagnant. The "leg incident" changed a lot of things that I thought "normal", and because of it I was given a gift that I treasure above all.
It has been one year. A year of change and pain, filled with new heights of wonder, joy, peace and knowledge.

You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Of viruses and scissors

I have become very adept with scissors lately. I think I should hire myself out!
When our dogs had puppies, we began to have a huge need for newspapers for them to learn on and to clean up other newspapers with. Along with newspapers come ads, and with many ads come coupons.
My mother had been thinking about coupon-ing for "a while now" (as she put it) and so this sudden source of something more to do (like we didn't have anything else to do in the first place) has swamped us....especially lately.

At first I would take the hundred pages of adds and cut out everything. Mother would come along later and sort and categorize them into little envelope holders. This quickly became an obvious waste of both our time, and the little envelope things were hard to find things in and much to cramped for easy separating of the coupons we DID want.
Then came the Coupon Binder (basically a zippered folder with hundreds of pages of baseball-card-holder clear plastic sheets). With most of the coupons in full view, our only problem was to find enough space for everything (that binder can hardly close).
HOWEVER:
With a new method came changes to the cutting came changes in the filing. We now stay up until 3 or even 6 am (and sometimes even 2 nights in a row) laying out the pages and putting all the same ones on top of eachother. We then pick which ones we keep (yes, we have become very picky!) and cut them out, and lay them on a 12" by 4' (yes: 12 inches by 4 feet) line of paper with an average coupon space and a category title. Then, my job is done, but Mother then spends (approx.) another 3-5 hours taking each category and filing it into little baseball card slots in the binder.

Which way is more arranged? Which is quicker?
Who knows.

But, in case you thought that was it...think again!
After this, Mother goes through all the store adds or online sites with adds already categorized (or both, definitely both more often) and matches coupons up with sales, or rebates/register rewards (or both).

Then comes the process of going to these stores (often taking along "Oh, no, mommy is going to spend hours here again" kids), finding the items, getting the right (and enough) coupons from the binder, and then making sure that the prices ring up right. (you would not believe how many times "sale" items do not ring up as on sale)
Then comes the wonderful times when the stores have sold out of the certain item you were hoping to get. Then you have to get rain checks, or ask to substitute....

In all it is a time-consuming menace to sleep and sanity, but you either spend a lot of money and a short amount of time, or a lot of time and little to no money.

We have a list of at least 10 "everyday" items (makeup, soap, floss, etc.) that we will never buy unless it is free. Yes, completely free. I won't even pay 50cents for $8-$10 makeup, because I would rather wait and get it free! :P

Overall the time invested has great dividends, and while it feels like we are getting a TON of stuff, we have not exceeded our "normal" monthly grocery bill.
And I am very picky about what scissors I use. Only the ones that fit my hand nicely! :P

SO

On to the first part of the title of this post:
I hate viruses. My computer was recently stricken by some sort of virus that masqueraded as a "security" device and virus scan. As I kept exiting the annoying pop-up windows (I was not aware that it was a virus at the time), it began opening windows on Internet Explorer for online sites. (I am a Firefox user, even though IE has caught up with the tabs, etc.)

I finally realized it was a virus when the computer would suddenly shut off, and when it would sit on a boot-up page for an hour before finally turning on.
*insert me rolling my eyes

My dear, amazing, (sometimes?) gentlemanly, debonair, and kind older brother promptly took (my/his) computer to wherever he was going where he gutted it, and began to try to fix the hard drive. When that did not work (I cannot remember all the things he tried to do, it was as much as I could do to try not to laugh when he said he tried to install windows XP onto his tumbdrive) he then replaced the harddrive (ie. got a whole new one) and rebooted all the necessities and handed me a brand spanking clean laptop. :D

SO, hopefully from now on I shall have more consistent and faster blogposts!

Anguish

This definitely moved me. Pleas pass it on if it moves you. May the match of concern turn into the smoldering coal of anguish...

Farm Show!!!!

Yes, we got another blue ribbon!!!!

Verse for the day:

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees....(Heb. 12)

Yeah...so I forgot to take medicine again today!
I went to bed after 3 am (I don't know exactly) and woke up again to visit an elderly widowed neighbor lady who enjoys talking to someone (Anyone, really...I am just more available). I set my phone alarm for 12 noon, because I figured 2 hours was all I could spare.

When the alarm rang, she decided it was lunch time, and enjoyed detailing her fiasco with a dumb cop and PenDot, and how she was going to have her license taken away unless she took a repeat physical, and tests, etc. Before I knew it it was 1pm.

I basically drove home as fast as I could, and then I had to get ready for Square Dance (last practice before Dress Rehersal) in less than 20 minutes. Of course I forgot to take my meds!

SO....I was doing mostly ok, until the 5th dance (which I won't be dancing, but Mr. Prosser wants us to be fluent in all the dances and calls, and to help set and example for the younger kids.

There I was, the dance was almost over....and as I am twirling around to promenade I step on the edge of the guy's foot (with my left foot) and land on it the wrong way. As a quick stab of pain shoots up my knee, I am propelled around the circle back to home. As the dance goes into the final bars, I flatly refuse to dance. I sat down for as long as I could, but as every person is entirely necessary.....I HAD to dance!!!!

Can anyone spell: PAIN?!?!

I was completely preoccupied for the next 7 rounds (we repeated that song 3 more times, the next song 3 times, and the last song 2 or 3 times...). I moved as little as possible and sat down and elevated it as much as modestly possible.
By the last two dances I was no longer feeling as much (probbably due to a brain overload!) and I was able to jaoke and make fun of everyone.

Back at home I laid down for about 10 minutes and was limping for the rest of the night (pain sensors tunred back on!). I finally took pain medication so that I would be abe to sleep.

Oh, these feeble knees!

Job 42:5-6

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.