College Harassment

I'm in college now, despite the efforts to keep me fundless and unable to achieve my goals.
But that gripe isnt my story. 
My story is about the systematic harassment that I encounter going to and from my classes.

I am a big-chested, big-rear-ended woman thanks to my family genes (not complaining, just saying.)
I hover around 200lbs on a 5'4 frame that makes my BMI in the "Clinically Obese" range but everyone says that I "carry it well" which means that I look hot despite being "round." (I guess?)

I am attractive, and therefore I attract attention.
NO MATTER what I wear.
Because i have tried ducking into hallways, taking the long way around, using multiple layers, and wearing my stretched-out jeans.  Even in skirts I get accosted.  You know what they tell me?  "You have a beautiful smile."

I have made a conscious decision to not hide.  I am a human being and I should not have to cover myself and take quick detours into the women's bathroom to avoid people I know are following me.  I should not have to be the one to take steps to prevent the sexual harassment I encounter on a daily basis.

EVERY DAY I attend classes I get some form of "compliment."  It is not my classmates, it is the men in the hallways.  When I walk up to the doors I have had men leaving the building open the door, see me coming, and walk back inside in order to walk past me when I enter the building. 

I had two men vie for me to walk through the door they took great pains to hold open (there were two doors and both were being held open).  When I walked through the one closest to me (giving the guy a quick "thank you") the guy holding open the other door said (as I remember it) "Shoot, you can always pick my door next time, darling."
The same 3 minutes after that happened (Thursday, so yesterday) I was walking straight to the library to print out some papers to submit and three men rounded the corner to the library about 50 feet before I got there.  I almost ducked away, but reminded myself I was not required to hide.  I kept my pace and kept my eyes on the floor about 10 feet in front of me. 
Every single one of the three men said "hi" to me, two using a term of endearment, as we passed.  I nodded at them and kept walking.  One asked over his shoulder (as I kept walking) if he could come with me wherever I was going.  I retorted that they were walking the wrong way, and quickly sped up my pace, turned the corner and ran into the library.

Frequently, an older guy (30, maybe?) finds it nice to pass me (every Tuesday, I swear he waits in the hallway for me to come in, whatever time I arrive he is there) and ask me to smile.  Like somehow I am required to share my smile with him.  He insisted on asking me my name (and at first I didnt realize the pattern and gave it to him) and always catches up to me "Hey, _____, how are you? You have such a pretty smile..." 

I go to classes at my own risk, despite daily being accosted and sexually harassed because of issues out of my control.  It messes with my peace of mind and ability to focus on school because they think they have the right to see me only as a sexual being. 
But I guess none of that matters because "Boys will be Boys" and all that other claptrap that they tell women in order to keep the system in place. 
Did any of those men have a right to call me "sweetie" or "darling"?  Do I have the right to tell them to stop eyeing me like a piece of meat?  Can I slap them in the face next time they accost me?
Or is is just "simple flirtation" and I am the one being all inflammatory?
https://twitter.com/other_echoes/status/378596898401443840/photo/1

A Work of Artifice

The bonsai tree
in the attractive pot
could have grown eighty feet tall
on the side of a mountain
till split by lightning.
But a gardener
carefully pruned it.
It is nine inches high.
Every day as he
whittles back the branches
the gardener croons,
It is your nature
to be small and cozy,
domestic and weak;
how lucky, little tree,
to have a pot to grow in.
With living creatures
one must begin very early
to dwarf their growth:
the bound feet,
the crippled brain,
the hair in curlers,
the hands you
love to touch. 

 Marge Piercy

I have been silent for a long time.
I am thinking of posting occasionally on this blog as I feel able.
I write one article recently for Homeschoolers Anonymous.
Its not something I have EVER talked about, and most people in my life have no idea.
WE shall see what the future holds.

An Example in Courage

No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the House. But different men often see the same subject in different lights; and, therefore, I hope that it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen, if, entertaining as I do opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, I shall speak forth my sentiments freely and without reserve.


This is no time for ceremony. The question before the House is one of awful moment to this country. For my own part I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or slavery; and in proportion to the magnitude of the subject ought to be the freedom of the debate. It is only in this way that we can hope to arrive at truth, and fulfill the great responsibility which we hold to God and our country. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of disloyalty towards the majesty of heaven, which I revere above all earthly kings.

Mr. President, it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation?

For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth -- to know the worst and to provide for it. I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided; and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years, to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the House?

Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with these warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation -- the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlemen assign any other possible motives for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies?

No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us; they can be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer on the subject? Nothing.

We have held the subject up in every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain. Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves longer.

Sir, we have done everything that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament.

Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne. In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope.

If we wish to be free -- if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending -- if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained, we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight! An appeal to arms and to the God of Hosts is all that is left us!

They tell us, sir, that we are weak -- unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance, by lying supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

Sir, we are not weak, if we make a proper use of the means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. Three millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us.

The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable -- and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come!

It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, "Peace! Peace!" -- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!

Patrick Henry - March 23, 1775


A Part 2 to a previous post.

Monologue

It is late.
I have been up late for a couple nights now... just burning time.
Sometimes I wonder to myself why I am so careless with the only irreplaceable commodity. But then I realize that I have grown callused. In the midst of my search for life, in the day-to-day-ness of completing the tasks set before me-my calling-I have allowed depression to have some parts of my life. It can so easily numb you to things that you don't really want to have to think about right now, or to things you might want to forget.

I don't want this. I don't want to be sitting alone staring at a computer screen looking for some flash of interesting light, a message from a friend, or some random detail of fact or science.

With New Years staring me in the face, I made a vow to go back....the day that changes 2011 into 2012 I will be there. (this has nothing to do with any current trend, or the movie)
Right now that seems like a big goal....and a nearly impossible one, but I know it will be the next step. God's process of changing me has really taught me a lot about me, and about him.

Me:
I really don't like change. I also don't like where I am. I am a stubborn and ungrateful wretch. I am also a reluctant student. But when I finally see I can't wait to learn more. I have never had such a mix of joy and peace in my entire life.

I can know His will. I know it sounds presumptuous, but I am come to realize that when I need to know what to do, He shows me. It is as simple as that. Ever since NC I have been assured of His voice.

Him:
He really had things under control. (Seriously, if I did not have complete confidence that GOD is completely 100% sovereign and in control of EVERYTHING I would probably not be alive today. Without this there is no reason to live. No surety. No rest. And most of all--no peace.)

He loves me sooooooo much. I know it sounds cheesy. I know it sounds cliche. Have you ever allowed yourself to see that it is true? What is love? I still have VERY little idea. I throw the word love around a lot lately. I have decided to not use it any more unless in moments of utter seriousness and commitment. What is love? It is bleeding on that cross.

I matter. Why is this under God? Because I matter to Him. A lot of self-acceptance issues and worries really melt away when you have value to someone. His care for little things so many times has completely floored me. Almost like roses or poems, He reminds me that I matter. That He has special things for me (and only me) to accomplish for Him. Everything I have gone through is validated. It mattered. It affected me. It shaped me (yes, it cut and bruised me). It caused me to look to Him, to look for Him, to cling to Him.

“I cannot endure that the soul should fall back upon aught else but myself with joy and pleasure, so I block up all roads with thorns; I stop up all gaps with hardships, and, lest it should escape me, I strew its way with suffering.”

Hosea 2:14 "Therefore I ....will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her...."

It is late. I have been up late for a couple night now....sometimes I am learning, sometimes I am defeated by self-pity and depression. Other nights, like tonight, I know that people are praying for me. I know that there is reason in what is going on and beauty unfolding.
I can trust.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-nJ3GYw11w

Expectations:

But perhaps I should call this post: Standards.

Different ages and societies have different expectations or standards that they impose upon their members. Those who care, but do not conform, live a lifetime of guilt-ridden emotion. “If only I tried harder”. “Maybe if I did this...” “I heard that someone tried this and it worked for them...”

These expectations/standards are not necessarily negative, but they give a culture its unique addition to the diversity that abounds in the world.

The problems come when this diversity is looked down upon within a society. One of the most difficult expectations that I think young women come up against in modern American society is the expectation of size. I am not even referring to the modeling or movie industry (although it is quite plausible that they have added to the stigma of being large).

Throughout my life, I have been larger than most of those who surround me. When I was 9 I began growing to about the height I am now (save two or so inches) and by 11 an older boy from the youth group was calling me a “Mighty Meaty Hotdog” after a TV commercial advertising a larger brand of said foodstuff than had every been on the market. I was a rather naive 11 year old, and I would respond by calling him “Mr. Juicy Fruit” (as in the chewing gum). In being naive, I was spared so much of what could have hurt me deeply in his words.

However, one cannot stay a child forever. I soon became conscious of my proportions as compared to those who surrounded me. I was unsure of how (or what) to change, though. The fact is that I could not change. It was healthy for me to be that size according to how my bone structure and build had been created by God. I was not overeating, and I was eating healthy, wholesome foods.

When I was 14, our family moved o America, and I gained 40lbs in two months just from the diet changes. I was suddenly even more conscious of skinny American girls with make-uped complexions and slim legs. I spent my own money to try to “fix” and “help” myself. I regulated as much as I could think of. I tried my hardest to “be beautiful”.

Then came a day I will remember for the rest of my life. My grandmother, who is similar to me in height, structure and much else was visiting when I explained to her my most recent endeavors to change myself to fit the expectations of my age. She, who had struggled similarly her whole entire life, looked me straight in the eye and said: “Stop it! Stop!!! You will never look like them!! You will never be able to be like them!”. She was weeping as she spoke. She knew what her words would do to me, and she said them out of a pure love for me, and a concern for my future life and well being.

I was not able to assimilate her wisdom, though, and for a couple years still attempted to fit into the standards set by our society. I was not unhealthy, and I did not gain more weight, but I could not loose what I had.

What kind of a society sets numbers as a precedent for beauty? BMI can be ******, and so can scales. How reasonable is it to say “...up to this number you are appealing, and no further?”

It has not been until recently that I have been able to raise my hands to God and say in full surrender: “You are to be praised for creating me how I am”. I am truly grateful for His grace in allowing me to live and use this body that He has given me for His glory. I am fully persuaded that the size I am now is His will. If it were better for me to glorify him weighing 10 or 50 pounds less: then I would not be the size that I am.

“Exercise” does not create a better person. Eating less does not create a more holy person. Weighing only 120 lbs does not make a more beautiful person. It only makes you anorexic.

My grandmother is probbably the wisest woman I know. She has had to suffer much from the expectations of society as a whole and the people who surround her who think they know better than God how large her proportions or how heavy her tread..

And to those people in my life: Go talk to God. Tell him what weight you think He should make me and see if He agrees with you. I am only His bondservant.

soli Deo gloria

God Bless 1984

by Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.

I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Now, those of you who know me are probably wondering why I am putting up a song like this. And dear readers (brownie points for you!!!) who remember my remake a while back are REALLY skeptical as to what is coming next.

First off, I have never felt the patriotic frenzy whipped up in me when they strike up the last verse. It reminds me of the proles in 1984...how they could be roused to patriotism whenever the moment was needed.

Second, it is not only blatantly false, but extremely manipulative of facts as well.

????

Let me explain.

1: Rights are given by GOD!!!

Yeah, you know that already. But how many of you have ever winced at this line?

"..... the men who died, who gave that right to me...."

2: Being naive about the character of politicians won't help you at all.

Ex: "the flag...stands for freedom...they can't take...away"

3:"at least I know I'm free"

If that is all you really care about (and if you call what we have currently [current = since the Great Rooseveltpression] freedom) then go live in the USSR. They were free too...to obey.

4: Being politically correct doesn't hurt either. All the politicians really need is a whole lot of bodies to make their point. If necessary, the singers of this song bind themselves to also take the bullets for the laws and treaties the politicians find expedient to their pockets. "...gladly stand up...today..."

(Note: I am sure if they looked up the meaning of "defend" {anyone hearing 1984 here again?} and stuck to it they would also protest all wars and "wars" since the American conquest of Mexico --ie. Where Andy Jackson got his Generalship)

(Note: the War of 1812 is an exception)

So....when I hear people singing or speaking of this song....I sit and muse with a bitter and amused smile on my face....it's tripleplusgood duckspeak and that is a fact

The Complete Opposite

I would really like to know why young (particularly unmarried) females always get told that their worst nightmare will surely happen to them?

I am sure you know what I mean.

I have often noted (out loud) things that I dislike and/or abhor in people or things.

Without fail (try it sometime!!!) some person in my family or surrounding will point out to me (in the most serious tone of voice) how I should not say/think such things.

Why?

Because (so they say) "Just watch! You are going to marry someone who is a _______ or who does ______ (that thing which you abhor or dislike)
Yes, dear friends: I am most definitely doomed to marry a math-loving, semi-truck-driving, chemistry-and-physics whiz husband.

I am sorry, but I have forgotten the other sure traits that I have been bound to.

Anyone with the said qualifications, please feel free to call me!

Seriously, now! Why is it that when a person dislikes or does not appreciate certain things, she is told that she must marry/be eternally bound to that exact thing? Would it not make more sense for her to choose someone who would not annoy/scare her? (yes, semi-trucks are scary!!! VERY scary!!!!)

While I do have a list of "Things-I-Want-In-A-Future-Husband", they do NOT include math, semi-trucks, or the deeper realms of physics, chemistry, or complicated formulas and x-y-m equations. If you would like to marry me and have an overwhelming love for those areas.....well.....I can't promise anything, but I would like to warn you in the beginning you have a handicap to overcome!

Today

The title is actually misleading. because it was today, 5 years ago, that I am thinking of.

5 years ago, I took one last look at everything I had ever called "home."
5 years ago, I left everything I loved that did not fit in my allotted portion of the 70lb boxes we could take on the airplane.
5 years ago, I gave my cats one last hug, and never saw them again.
5 years ago, I turned away, and stepped into the waiting van.
5 years ago, I stepped into an airplane.
5 years ago, that airplane lifted me high up and 11 thousand miles away from all of that.
5 years ago, I lost my heart somewhere in that green-and-white-and-blue ocean and island.
5 years ago, I buried it deep, where no one could find it. Maybe it is not dead, though. Maybe someone found it and kept it safe for me.
5 years ago, I wanted to die.
5 years ago, today, was the hardest day of my life.

Are these wounds healed? Have I found a new life and meaning here in this country? Has God been working in me?
To answer the last question: Yes
To answer the first question: No, otherwise I would not be weeping my heart out as I type.
As for the middle question: I don't know. I have tried to understand and reach out and be acceptable. I still feel like an outsider, a loner, and a foreigner. I have formed some deep friendships. But my roots are still volatile. In shock. Fearful. Distrusting.

Life is never easy. But today, as it was 5 years ago, life is intolerable.

An Example in Prudence:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the...bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation...

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.....

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends....

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

B-Day meditations

I am now 19, dear blog-readers.

Yes, THE age. What is so important? I don't really know. But for some reason, my young mind always saw 19 as THE age.
I would surely be perfect by 19. (rotfl!)
I would be married, or getting married soon. (hey, little girls have all this planned out right?)
I would be jaw-dropping beautiful (it doesn't hurt to wish?)
and most purely loving. (well....even little girls exaggerate sometimes)




Now, I am 19.

Well...... you can see for yourself!

Culture Trend

I have been completely socialized these past 10 days. I have seen/been around/talked with more people in this space of time than in moat of the past year. I noticed two very overwhelming cultural trends/fads (I think trend is a better word, because fad indicates that it is a passing freak of style or popular, whereas trend tends to imply a deeper root cause/reason for the outburst of whatever may be currently popular).

First, is a culture of death. We all know the stereotypes of Emo, Goth, etc, etc. It goes beyond black hair/chains and makeup. I would like to know one thing I have not seen decorated or in a motif without a skull (or skulls) or skull-and-crossbones, or some type of visual representation of death. Tattoos, clothing, chains, jewelry, fingernails, bandannas, sunglasses....even underwear! (Hey, when they don't know what a belt is for, I can't really help but see...not that I had a choice or that is was in any way shape or form at all anywhere near possibly tolerable -- yes, that is a lot of adjectives and adverbs). It has been so trivialised, that it is included in everything. There are even little pink skulls decorating children's T-shirts.
I remember when my grandparents bought a pair of little boys swim shorts for my younger brother. They were typical tie-died blue Hawaii board shorts, decorated with hibiscus flowers (yes, for boys!). When it was given to him, mother grabbed it up and looked at it closely. Something very hard to see at first, but the pistil of the hibiscus, instead of being little dots of pollen, was a miniature skull!!! I remember being quite horrified that something so ugly would decorate any article of clothing, much less pollute a flower....or be substituted for one!!
However, it is now SO commonplace, that even classy, or "upper-middle-class" people think nothing of donning this insignia and it has even become a "fad". The best way to pollute the meaning of anything is to make it popular. Even well-to-do people who came in with $100 bills in their pockets wore them.
We are now surrounded by a culture of death. Life is so meaningless, so useless, so purposeless.... Satan is more than glad to dominate Hell and Earth and bring more people to end their lives by desensitization to such gross paraphernalia, and then embracing it.

Second, is a culture of fake. Everything is made in China. Use it once and you have to buy another. Fake nails (it took them 3 times as long to pick up change...not to mention fake nails are just SO pitiful...because there is no way anyone other than a blind person could not see that they are FAKE!!!), fake hair (this applies to the dyed and the add-ins and the dreads), fake body (fake plastic even? Agh! Don't ask!), fake tan (orange anyone?), fake height (heels or a slump), fake smile (as in...this is a situation wherein I must look like I am amused), fake suave (bling and slicked hair), fake posture/presentation (sunglasses : see other post for a note on those).....even some people have a fake gender!!!!!! (I will probably remember those two very STRANGE "women" for a very long time... *nightmares*)
Makeup masks the true self into what you see painted on a billboard. You change yous height and hair to attract fake love. You talk cool and swagger and show your underpants to attract fake honor..... It is a cruel downward spiral. Yet, it all means nothing.

It overwhelmed me. Completely shocked me and made-me-take-astep-back-and-try-to-understand.

The people of York City need life
They need something real.

Am I here to show it to them?

Struggle: Matinumanon Ka

At the risk of some verbal negativity, I shall quote a quote I have been thinking about lately from the Irrepressible Wesley of the Princess Bride fame:

"Life IS pain..... anyone who tells you differently is selling something."

Now, while I have been mulling over this statement, I am wont to change it to something more applicable. "Life is struggle". (I have often wondered how such an awkward sound came about to form that word.) What part of life is not a struggle?

The last breaths of an aged man, the newborn pushing and straining to leave its cocoon and enter the world, the young child learning to walk, older children growing tall into their adult bodies.... what of life is not struggle?

In this vein, I have also been singing various Selah songs to myself. (Note: Selah being the music group, and "their" songs being the songs they sing/cover/etc. in thier albums)

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

and

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
    There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
    Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
    As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

        Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
    Morning by morning new mercies I see;
    All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
    Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

 Summer and winter and spring-time and harvest,
    Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
    join with all nature in manifold witness
    To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

 Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
    Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
    Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
    Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

My first memory of this song was at a wedding. I was tickled to death to be the flower girl for my dear Ate M. with hair curled, a gorgeous dress with lace and nice shoes. I remember being more than pleased with my appearance, but my only very clear memory of that day was looking at Ate M's face as she sang this song. I am sure I had heard it before, but for some reason, it never registered. I vowed at that moment to sing it at my wedding. however, I'm not saving it only for then, either, as I have been meditating on it a lot lately.

Life is struggle, remember?

Trust - a poem

Trust is a hard thing.

Trust is allowing someone else to do and be for you. Trust is giving away power and telling secrets and sharing things that you would never want anyone else to know.
Trust is using faith. Faith in another person's decisions, and choices, and knowledge.
Trust is when you know that the other person would do everything in their power for you if you needed them.
Trust is knowing that they will never let you down if they can help it.
Trust is not needing to speak, because the one you can rely on is there.

Trust is hard.

Trust requires being vulnerable.
Trust needs to be returned.
Trust cannot be fleeting.
Trust requires more than a passing glance.

Trust is hard.

Trust leans
Trust waits
Trust hopes

Trust is hard.

Trust is giving a piece of yourself to another knowing it will be safe
Trust is giving a piece of yourself to another not knowing if things will change

Trust is hard.

Sometimes, trusting means you will be disappointed and let down.

Notes from Astronomy

I know that me presenting such anti-religious and heretical thoughts on such a (traditionally) holy day must seem worthy of a burning, but for me to be on the computer on this day, and so unrepentant overall must surely be worse. So, for those squeamish ones, Please close your eyes, breath deeply and focus. (lol, that is what they tell you in Imax movie)

So, for all of you who follow days and signs and such, I have some thoughts from astronomy to present:

A "day" in the 24-hour-calendar-sense (at least according to the Jewish system) is sunset to sunset. If Jesus was dead 3 days (and the day-age theory does not work here!) he could not have been crucified on Friday. Friday sunset (ie. Saturday beginning) to Sunday (please forgive the Romanization... I would use "first day" and "6th day", but I find myself in a rut) sunrise is NOT 3 days. In fact Sunday sunrise is absolutely nothing.

Whom did the Angel roll the stone away for?

Jesus did not arise at sunrise. The rolling-away-of-stone was for the women! Jesus (especially if He had just risen from the dead) surely did not need an angel to help him with the tomb cover. In fact, why would he need to roll the stone away to get out in the first place? (Answer: He wouldn't)

The "first day" (Mark 16:9) began at sunset on the last day of the week (in Romanization: Saturday sunset) and "early" does not mean early morning (Greek/Romans again, with their midnight being the beginning of the day). Remember, Jewish days begin and end with sunset.

So, this begs the question, when WAS Jesus actually crucified? Well, mathematically speaking, three sunset-sunset periods (days in the 24 hour sense) would require that the crucifixion happened on Wednesday, the fourth day of the week. (Interestingly, there is not reference in the NT for the fourth day. Poor Wednesday. No one bothered to mention all the things that must have happened on Wednesdays)

Also: Some people say that Friday afternoon, all day saturday, and night and morning on Sunday make three "days" (or more truthfully: portions of days). However, they have a problem in that Jesus compared himself with Jonah and said specifically "three days AND three nights" (Mat. 12:40). In "day" Jesus must have meant "three light periods of time" and "night" must have meant "three dark periods of time". Therefore, the Friday afternoon to Sunday morning model is fallacious.



The next question is: Why does all this matter? Why am I arguing with "established" (read: Roman Catholic syncretized) tradition? Why, if I have problems with it, don't I just ignore it?
Because, first of all, it is fallacious, and way to many people accept it without knowing.
Second: Because I hope to enlighten some people and help them understand the significance of using the Bible to destroy man's false traditions.
Third: Because I find that in celebrating extra-biblically, we run into so many problems that we should stick with how the Bible tells us to celebrate/remember great events.

Oh? How SHOULD we celebrate then?

I Corinthians 11:

²³ For I received from the Lord that which I also delivered to you: that the Lord Jesus on the same night in which He was betrayed took bread; ²⁴ and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “Take, eat; this is My body which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of Me.” ²⁵ In the same manner He also took the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in My blood. This do, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.”
²⁶ For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death till He comes.

That is the Biblical celebration/remembrance of the crucifixion, death, resurrection, and second coming of Christ.


As for "easter" and "sunrise services" (shouldn't they be "sunset services"?) and bunnies that lay colored eggs.... I would not spend your hard-earned money, and if you want chocolate, wait a week... it will all go on sale! (oh, and all the flowers will as well)

Pro patria mori

http://www.warpoetry.co.uk/owen1.html

This is a very strange and scary poem. Not for the very impressionable, or those prone to nightmares. Yet, since I read it....I have been captivated by the utter desperation and hopelessness of it. And the undertone of seething anger and sarcasm in the last couplet.

It tells of life in the "meat grinder" of the 1st World War. It tells of the futility of governments sending their citizenry out to die for the fatherland, because of handshakes, paper treaties, and "national interests" of alliances and nations across continents.

At least America had an excuse...but no... our men died as well.
And the Europeans who had been lapping up our products and begging us for help (oh! the war would end in a stalemate without us!) after giving 10 million men a "Finally!" for a welcome, left our men to die of disease and be peacekeepers afterwards while they ferried their men home to safety as fast as their dinghys could carry them.

But did we learn? Americans are fools. Oh no...in 30 years we made the same dumb mistake again....and again in less than 10 years after that, and then in another 10 years, and since then it has been war, after skirmish, after attack, after another.
Fool me one, shame on you, fool me twice, three times, and again and again....I deserved it!


War is the Health of the State.

So....

I have not been writing, dear readers, in case you hadn't noticed (in which case, it is probable that you are not actually frequenters...only occasional-passers-by). I have not been able to summon up epigrams which shall amuse you, or platitudes which confuse. Politics has been another round of partisan-this versus partisan-that which are a complete waste of time, energy and effort, since the best actors are not in Hollywood, but in D.C.
I have not found things very inspiring with which to challenge you faith and strengthen your trust in Him.

What are my excuses?

Well, first, I have been going at least 3 times a week to York to be part of a drama, which I was lucky enough to be included in. If any of you have time and money to waste, and REALLY want to hear me speak 13 lines, shout from offstage, and sing a little, I can oblige you.

Then, there is my overall lowness of mood, grouchy-ness, and ill-humor because of the dreary, grey, dull, dark and all together miserable seasonal conditions we have been enduring. Not only has it stopped my fount of inspiration, but contributed to a very fussy depression and there is, of course that certain activity which has ended and shall not be resumed until October. (PSD Depression, as a friend classified it)

Therefore, I have made a search of previous entries and things I have compiled on paper, and quotes I have catalogued.

So, it is up to those of you who actually READ my blog.
Do you want poems?
Do you want quotes?
Silly or serious?

I await your verdict.

More Than Ever....

I have been falling in love with this song again....so I will re-post it!

It is interesting how the focus of the last two days of National Convention were about not 'losing the fire' and the closeness to God that was felt and expressed by most there. Yet, I feel much closer to Him during the stress of every-day life than when there with only the worries and stresses I created for myself. It is interesting how I block God out from myself more than everyone else yelling, rough-and-tumbling through the living-room, leaving toys everywhere, not cleaning up, and my kitten giving me greif!

Rant ala Politico

I am SO glad I can vote!! Are you aware, cher reader, that you are of no use in the world until you turn 18? Your signature cannot be honored, you have no social status, and nothing you do will be paid attention to without someone in charge giving you allowance. (unless you commit a crime, and then you are given a slap on the wrist and told very solemnly to "not do that again" and set free) However, even when you turn 18, you are only worthwhile so much as you vote and smoke.

Life only COUNTS when it turns the grand old age of 21, and then you are allowed to be a responsible citizen, voice your opinions to your elders, and work for any extended period of time.
It highly annoys me that, until July, I have no importance in the world. Even my signature is worthless. It is all the result of a government that wants teens and children to be completely dependent. If you don't have the power of citizenship...they do (or someone does). It will be eventual, that even 20-somethings don't have their citizenship power, and the 60+, and then down from there, and up from 30, until the government (or rather, those who are running it) has all the power and the generations used to meekly submitting to their "minor" fate will continue to submit, and Marx will be looking up at us with joy.

Edit: In response to the comment alleging that this post calls for the government to allow children to vote--
No, I'm calling for a reduction of government restrictions on "teens" aka young adults. I do not think that children should vote.
I think that life should be valued whenever it benefits society, and when it can be responsible and improve its surroundings.
I also think that the "minor" status (although necessary for younger children) should be downplayed, because it encourages immaturity and the phenomenon seen in "teens" and "tweens" know as "wild oats". Responsible citizenship is not exactly possible when one cannot even sign their name, and have it respected.

"A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches" (Proverbs 22:1) does not start at 18, or 21!

Re-what?

Has anyone ever consciously thought recently that the Union of the States of America is a republic? Or was? Or was meant to be? Or what it matters?


Past the typical definitions, and the biased definitions, let us look at the original Constitution (with the first 10 Amendments) and think.

A democracy is a system of government where the people choose who governs them. In a democracy, the majority rules, and what the majority wants is what the government must do.

A republic is a system of government where the people choose who upholds the laws that they have decided to live under. In a republic, the representative of the people (whether he be a president, senator or governor) is elected to follow and keep the laws of the state/commonwealth/country.

In the original Constitution, State/Commonwealth Senators to the government of the United States were appointed by the legislatures of the State/Commonwealth. The problems of majority/minority were non-existent because they didn't matter.

One example is in 1868, when Andrew Johnson was a hair away from being impeached. The House of Representatives impeached him by a landslide, but the Senate was trying to balance on a teeter-totter of the law vs. the people. In the end, only one vote decided it. The senators who dared voted against impeaching the president. Johnson's conduct may have been scandalous and he may have been a bad president, but there was no legal backing for impeaching him.

In my Internet search to verify the names of the dissenters, I came across this comment:

But the duty of the Senators, with whom we indeed differ, will be only the plainer. They must follow their sincere convictions, conscious that in so doing they maintain the only permanent principle of a free government; and their task will be the more difficult because they will maintain it against the cry of the party which is its natural protector.

Well people, I hate to break it to you...but a democracy stinks. Majority rule is only one step away from the tyranny of the majority. Then comes the tyranny of the few...and that is only another name for socialism.

It would probably be folly to try to assign a date to the day we became a democracy, but I think that the day the 17th amendment was ratified is close enough!

Women on the line

This lady (if she really wants to be called that) is finding out why fighting wars isn't exactly the best thing for a female to be doing.

Why might this be? What inhibits women from being exactly like men? I really don't think anyone wants my answer!

This mother is finding out how far is too far....in methods such as brainwashing and you-are-no-different-from-them-there-is-no-reason-why-you-should-be-treated-differently.

I really enjoy the links I get from LAF!!!