Monologue

It is late.
I have been up late for a couple nights now... just burning time.
Sometimes I wonder to myself why I am so careless with the only irreplaceable commodity. But then I realize that I have grown callused. In the midst of my search for life, in the day-to-day-ness of completing the tasks set before me-my calling-I have allowed depression to have some parts of my life. It can so easily numb you to things that you don't really want to have to think about right now, or to things you might want to forget.

I don't want this. I don't want to be sitting alone staring at a computer screen looking for some flash of interesting light, a message from a friend, or some random detail of fact or science.

With New Years staring me in the face, I made a vow to go back....the day that changes 2011 into 2012 I will be there. (this has nothing to do with any current trend, or the movie)
Right now that seems like a big goal....and a nearly impossible one, but I know it will be the next step. God's process of changing me has really taught me a lot about me, and about him.

Me:
I really don't like change. I also don't like where I am. I am a stubborn and ungrateful wretch. I am also a reluctant student. But when I finally see I can't wait to learn more. I have never had such a mix of joy and peace in my entire life.

I can know His will. I know it sounds presumptuous, but I am come to realize that when I need to know what to do, He shows me. It is as simple as that. Ever since NC I have been assured of His voice.

Him:
He really had things under control. (Seriously, if I did not have complete confidence that GOD is completely 100% sovereign and in control of EVERYTHING I would probably not be alive today. Without this there is no reason to live. No surety. No rest. And most of all--no peace.)

He loves me sooooooo much. I know it sounds cheesy. I know it sounds cliche. Have you ever allowed yourself to see that it is true? What is love? I still have VERY little idea. I throw the word love around a lot lately. I have decided to not use it any more unless in moments of utter seriousness and commitment. What is love? It is bleeding on that cross.

I matter. Why is this under God? Because I matter to Him. A lot of self-acceptance issues and worries really melt away when you have value to someone. His care for little things so many times has completely floored me. Almost like roses or poems, He reminds me that I matter. That He has special things for me (and only me) to accomplish for Him. Everything I have gone through is validated. It mattered. It affected me. It shaped me (yes, it cut and bruised me). It caused me to look to Him, to look for Him, to cling to Him.

“I cannot endure that the soul should fall back upon aught else but myself with joy and pleasure, so I block up all roads with thorns; I stop up all gaps with hardships, and, lest it should escape me, I strew its way with suffering.”

Hosea 2:14 "Therefore I ....will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her...."

It is late. I have been up late for a couple night now....sometimes I am learning, sometimes I am defeated by self-pity and depression. Other nights, like tonight, I know that people are praying for me. I know that there is reason in what is going on and beauty unfolding.
I can trust.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-nJ3GYw11w

Update

Yeah...I thought I should update:

So...I have updated!


lol

OK, so I will do something substantial.
Info for those of you who weren't at TeenPact:
May 5th is Yellow Ducky Day. Stuart L. is a genius.

TeenPact was amazing....it was TeenPactic....again. I have not found an organization that can change people's lives so substantially in four little days. That is why I love TeenPact.
That is why everyone should go to TeenPact. Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember this post?

Well, even if you don't, I'm re-posting. Something I thought I would never do....

http://abirdhouse.blogspot.com/2008/04/teenpact.html

So....

I have not been writing, dear readers, in case you hadn't noticed (in which case, it is probable that you are not actually frequenters...only occasional-passers-by). I have not been able to summon up epigrams which shall amuse you, or platitudes which confuse. Politics has been another round of partisan-this versus partisan-that which are a complete waste of time, energy and effort, since the best actors are not in Hollywood, but in D.C.
I have not found things very inspiring with which to challenge you faith and strengthen your trust in Him.

What are my excuses?

Well, first, I have been going at least 3 times a week to York to be part of a drama, which I was lucky enough to be included in. If any of you have time and money to waste, and REALLY want to hear me speak 13 lines, shout from offstage, and sing a little, I can oblige you.

Then, there is my overall lowness of mood, grouchy-ness, and ill-humor because of the dreary, grey, dull, dark and all together miserable seasonal conditions we have been enduring. Not only has it stopped my fount of inspiration, but contributed to a very fussy depression and there is, of course that certain activity which has ended and shall not be resumed until October. (PSD Depression, as a friend classified it)

Therefore, I have made a search of previous entries and things I have compiled on paper, and quotes I have catalogued.

So, it is up to those of you who actually READ my blog.
Do you want poems?
Do you want quotes?
Silly or serious?

I await your verdict.

More Than Ever....

I have been falling in love with this song again....so I will re-post it!

It is interesting how the focus of the last two days of National Convention were about not 'losing the fire' and the closeness to God that was felt and expressed by most there. Yet, I feel much closer to Him during the stress of every-day life than when there with only the worries and stresses I created for myself. It is interesting how I block God out from myself more than everyone else yelling, rough-and-tumbling through the living-room, leaving toys everywhere, not cleaning up, and my kitten giving me greif!

Yeah, yeah.....

Ok.....so I've been busy. I have not posted for an entire month. However, I cannot really feel sorry. It's not that I have nothing to say (those of you who know me can laugh up your sleeve), but that I have not had the time/been able to sit down on the computer and type it out.

NC '08 was simply "a most wonderful thing". I cannot quite call it the "best week of my life", but it beat the TP State Class, and blew a couple other things right out of the water....and that is saying a lot.

While I was there, I not only met a couple hundred people, but I found something more fulfilling than a lot of things I've been into. I applied to staff the PA class in the 2009 season, and I will tell you when I hear anything further about that. I ran for office, on the spur of the moment, had 30 second to talk to everyone in the room and convince them how wonderful I was (to tell the truth, I couldn't see a thing, I was rather shaky in my knees, and (how awful is this!) I have no idea what I said! I asked someone later, and their synopsis (they weren't quite sure either what exactly I had said) was nothing at all that I had intended, and a lot that simply shocked me), I cried my eyes out in a prayer time with about 20 people....which turned into an in-depth sharing time between 6 of us girls, and I actually woke up around 7 am for 6 consecutive days.....*about dies*.

But, most importantly, I do believe that I experienced something I never had before. I believe that God "spoke to me". I put it in quotes, because I do not agree with the mindset or method. I cannot be exactly sure what made me understand, and I do not remember what was being prayed. Anyhow, Sunday night, Mr. Dean Nelson (who guest directed our State class) was giving a talk, and he invited some of us to come up and pray. About 6 guys stood up, and prayed about America and reaching this Generation, and impacting it for the future. A weight settled on my heart and I (dare I say) felt God speaking. There were no words...I just "knew" that it was Him, and I heard with perfect clarity what I could not hear through auditory means. I burst into tears, shocking my girl-friend beside me, and I cried for some time.

I am not sure what kind of weird comments I'll get...but I can understand your reactions. I tested myself, and found it hard to accept. I have as yet not shared this elsewhere, or to anyone. I have almost spoken of it to some special few, but it won't come out. Maybe that is why I am writing it...why I want to tell of it, but cannot vocalize. Maybe this is why I have not posted. Because I wanted to share this but couldn't find the words....

*********see also my follow up post a year and 5 months later

May 27th to June 2

On those dates, mangamagbabasa, I will be in Winder, GA, at TeenPact National Convention.

Through the exorbitant grace of God, I was offered an opportunity to get the full cost of the week, registration, etc. covered; namely an essay contest. After much procrastination, I used the wisdom of my grandparents liberally, and sent my essay in on the second to last day.

It took some time, but when I found out that I won, I literally burst into tears. I had not expected to win, because they took longer than expected to get back to me. I was able to work for a neighbor and get some traveling money, and then our other neighbors gave me money in congratulations.

God is so good! The cost to the family (besides me being gone for a week or so) is almost nothing, and even though it was definitely not a 'need', it was one of the 'desires of my heart' that God has given to me. I have really been learning this week as I find out continually how selfish and self-centered I am and how I SO need to stop worrying and fretting within myself. I believe that God did not inform me immediately because I needed to wait and be content with NOT going before I was allowed to go. In fact, I registered to vote absentee for the TeenPact national candidates before I found out that I was going. I have been particularly touched by the words of this old Don Moen song that I 'found' again after some time:

For all You've done

For all You're going to do

We give You thanks

And lift our praise to You

Chorus: We give thanks, we give praise

For we know that all things work together for our good

We give thanks, we give praise

For by faith we know Your grace will see us through

For all those things that we don't understand

We come by faith and place them in Your hands

Even if we stumble, even if we fall

You will not forsake us

You are King and Lord of all

Lord of all

Quote:

“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.”
~William F. Buckley, Jr

TeenPact

This past week, I have been attending the charter class of TeenPact Pennsylvania. I had more than a "blast", and definitely plan on repeating the class next year, and possibly attending some alumni events, should God provide.
I did not go expecting much, but not being attuned to this culture (which fact this week has only more securely fixed in my mind...what IS the "hokey-pokey"?) I was not sure what TO expect.


At 12:45, Monday afternoon we walked up the steps to the Pennsylvania State Capitol Building, where (after passing through security) we were greeted by a man in a suit, and directed to our destination.
The rest of the day was spent surveying the ropes, and learning the basics of what would be covered the next two days.
Tuesday morning, we began with singing, a bible study, and a "prayer walk". Then, the leader began a lecture on why he believed in Theistic Evolution. Debate followed, some questions, and a couple students moved into the forefront of the debate. I was confused, because his position contradicted what I had understood of the program, and the position of the founder. The student at the end of my table wrote a note and passed it down, "He doesn't really believe it, he just wants us to debate", which turned out to be the correct analysis. A speech by the Chief of Staff for Judge Marjorie Rendell followed.
We then went out on a field experience, and learned about lobbyists, and walked around the capitol trying to find said specimen of creature, and asking them questions. Lunch next, divided by committees, where we discussed the bills assigned to our committee. (Each student was required to write a bill to present to the legislature)
After lunch was a speech by Representative Sam Rhorer, and then a field experience of examining forms of media, identifying their bias, and analyzing the facts, opinions, and emotions presented in a newspaper article.
Upon re-assembling, we were divided into two political parties, the Party Party, and the Surprise Party, and we formulated party platforms on the issues of Education, the Economy, and whether or not to change the state dog to the Chihuahua, or keep the Great Dane. We then elected two representative candidates, and one gubernatorial candidate.
Following this, was the TeenPact Legislature, where Parlimentary Procedure was strictly followed, and the bills passed by committees were presented to the entire class. Two bills failed, and one passed unanimously. The daily quiz came next, and then we were dismissed.
Wednesday, everyone lobbied the class with cookies, candy, and pamphlets supporting their party, and their candidates, and the daily devil's advocate subject was the "separation of church and state" which evil Johnathan stoutly defended. Field experience consisted of analyzing bills. After lunch, a speech by Mr. Paul Clymer, last field experience (the house and senate) and a slideshow about political campaign disclosures, and gerrymandering, and (of course) the awesome legislature... although the other two committees decided to gang up on our committee, and they passed a resolution making our committee sing and dance the hokey-pokey before the entire class.

Thursday, we had our final quiz immediately after prayer, and the our "Daily DA" (welfare). We then had a game time "Contitutional Power Grab", and then we broke for lunch, finished up all our committie's bills. Legislature was even better than before, in the Majority Caucus rooms (with it's official desk, and gavel), and bills seemed more hilarious than before....but then we had to adjourn singe die. I am sure all the emotional females felt very badly about it, and one girl even put a crying-face on her notes page. Graduation followed, and everyone got a pretty piece of paper stating their achievement and a handshake from all the staff (I got hugs.....from the girls). Then, we all got sharpies, and everyone signed almost everyone else's blue TeenPact logoed shirt. Then, we were all encouraged to come to Alumni events...which I think would be at least as exciting, if not as profitable.

I got to sleep in Friday, and today, we have Grandparent's over!