Thursday, March 22, 2007


I’ve been having a lot of ‘flashbacks’ lately. The term is strange, but it really describes what they are. Some are just pictures, some full ‘movies’ if you can call them that. The strange thing is that, although they are memories, I see myself doing things. Also, they come during the weirdest times.

While I was paging through the City of God I suddenly remembered how my oldest brother would creep up to the second floor back door that leads to the water-pump. He used to try so hard to drop all his clothes on the labandera (the laundry lady who we paid to wash and hang our clothes every Mon, Wed, and Fri.) without her noticing. She really disliked him for it, but he didn’t seem to care.

Then, I was….I think I was washing dishes when I remembered how the wind felt when I rode Sugar down the main dyke.

The last one was when I was writing to an All-American girl I lately began to have letter-bible studies with, and I remembered how it felt to be splashing around off the drop-off with Herlyn. Maybe it was more a made-up memory based on real ones than an actual occurrence. We both had tubes, and there were a couple other people around. We were splashing the water at each other and the water stung my eye, which made jump, and I began to cry. I was back in my room and it had all been in my head.

Sometimes I dream flashbacks too! I could actually feel the water, and hear everyone singing, and strumming the guitar. Once I dreamed that I fell off of Mam’ Becca’s sea wall, and I woke up suddenly which made Bethany look at me weird. One night I sent the entire dream at my spot behind the house. I sang to my tree, and watched the cicads go by. I haven’t stopped singing in my head, hoping the dream will come back:

"Christohanong pagpagabana, hatagi ug bili ang imong na-dungog, ug na-kita…..Dili ba, nang-kinahanglan man sila kang Jesus nga manluluwas ta….Sulti na!"

Sometimes I hear things…most often it the Tamsee-bird. I’ll jump up wondering
how they got caught in the house. Once, I heard someone call me, and once
Charry singing really pretty.

Usually they make me cry. If I am in a less emotional mood they just ‘sit on my heart’ and ache. I now understand the verse in Proverbs that I once circled and put a question mark beside…."Hope deffered maketh the heart sick, but when desire comes it is a tree of life"
And it’s companion- "Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, but a
good word makes it glad." (they are right across the page from eachother-
13:12; 12:25 respectively)

So far I have not been able to really feel things. Before I left I tried holding leaves, and touching everything so that I could remember them better. Besides the one dream of swimming I haven’t been able to ‘hold on’ to anything. Sometimes I don’t want to wake up in hopes that the dream will stay and I’ll be able to really grab a passing tree, or roll around on the bermuda once more.

I doubt I am alone in this…but is it just a different phase of homesickness? Also, will it pass? Will it pop up every now and then?


Sally said...

that's interesting. I doubt it will completely pass. I still have dreams of being back in Central Asia, or have random flashbacks/memories/de ja vu moments...I don't think it will ever go away, but you shouldn't "sit on" it either...accept it, but also deal with it in a healthy way. It's hard...


rm said...

"The last one was when I was writing to an All-American girl I lately began to have letter-bible studies with,"

what is an 'all-american girl' and what are 'letter-bible studies'?

Warbler said...

All american meaning not raveled, american mindset, way-of-thinking, veiws, hopes, dreams and insights....does that make sense?

Letter B-S is a term I just coined. I am going through a book of the bible with her...sorta like a bible-study, except through letters.